FOR THE LOVE OF ..... WELL JUST FOR THE LOVE

I don't really know what to write actually. But I know that I want to end this with " so what am I then?".

Because its so complicated the whirlpool that I'm in right now. Theres so many things that I lost. So many things that I miss. And alot of that things, i know i cant get it back. Or maybe i can....do you see my dilemma?

I miss fiance, but i know she will always wait for me. Even if its in heaven, she'll wait for me. But looking at the reality, i might go there before she does, and she can rest assured, i'll be waiting for her.

I miss what i had. That feeling that really bugged me but kept me at peace, that feeling that took me places and showed everything else in detail. Ironically, thats the feeling that i hated last time. and now, i'm missing it. Can it be just NZ? If i go there can it all happen again? But i wasnt in NZ when i was 17 nor 16. I was in a my room in the toilet just sitting.

And this damned subject. Studying in general. "Imagination is much greater than knowledge" Albert Einstein. I gave that up because i have to face reality.

Why do i sing anymore when what i sing i cant really mean it? Yeah sure its in the heart, but still i cant feel it anymore. My heart beats rhythmless, my ears are blind and my eyes are deaf. All the blame goes to reality. Everyday i wake up more and more like everyone else. I dont feel special. I feel iam coming up to a standard bar that everyone is on. Perching on it laughing at stupid jokes.

If iam like them why am i fighting it? But if iam one of them, why doesnt it seem normal to me? Iam not looking for answers from anyone. Iam not asking for advice. I just want to express it out. I know whatever one might say back, i know deep inside thats not it. Its something else. Something i dont even know to begin with. How can you tell me about something i dont even know what is it about? You cant. Its like explaining the colour blue to a blind. Its cool, its flowing its calming. Yeah, so how does blue looks like. The way i see it, we are all blind. Thats why none of us can explain it. Thats rite, including myself.

Stupid. Once, when i was a kid, i closed my eyes. I didnt focused on anything, i just let whatever i see, see. I saw a waterfall and a river and a toucan. Colourfull. Literally saw it with my eyes close and my brain fully awake. I never saw it again. Even if i tried hard.

Songs....they dont mean jack to me. I lost the ears that can see. maybe ipod would fix that. Just maybe.

I guess, this is my story. My evolution. From something to something not so foreign to the world's eyes. Something that iam not even sure what it was and what it is.

....so what am i then?

Gelatin Balls Filled With Paints/ Hand Crafted Tone Woods/ Plastics, Fabrics and Steel

Gelatin Balls Filled With Paints.

I miss paintball. Findin myself putting on jersey and harness. Polishing mr goggle. Its kinda desperate. Yeah. I was just thinking, i dont have a marker anymore it sucks, but then i thought again, i dont have teams to play with, which will suck even if i had a marker. Then i remembered people calling me up to go training with them.....aw....this sucks.. For those of you who never played paintball, pleaseeeee.....do at least once before you die....does it hurt? NO. trust me. its scientifically explainable. A first timer will be so pumped with adrenaline, you wont feel anything. But people who has been playing for sometime, learn how to relax, so not much adrenaline=hurt bad. But honestly, by the end of the day, u'll be happy. (Endorphins) Unless you are a body model or some shit like that, u do not have to wear 2 layers of sweater for God's sake. It it ridiculous and u will be runnin up and down. Ur just going to create another Sahara inside it. So cut urself the silliness and heat......

Hand Crafted Tone Wood.

Today, i played a Taylor. So what, not mine. It was a display. But boy am i in love...yes iam. The mellow bass, the gliding mids and the ringing treble...oh how beautiful. Iam such a noob in acoustic guitar, much much more to learn, but Taylor and me, its like and extra pair of vocal chords.

So i performed 6 songs today. Originals of course. Supposed to do 5, but i get so numb on stage i just sing. There, on the homegrown stage, I saw what Malaysians real talents are like. No more "bola bola api" shits..Free to Fall and Wasted Room. Please, do check them out....it'll worth your time. Though my thought and mentality about local scene dont change, it has made me look at it from a different angle. A better one, i would say.

Dont you think it's funny? How we are all actually hypocrites? Because God never made us perfect. So we will always have weaknesses to think about, and for me, my only comfort its my fiance. Have I been saying it too loud that Iam engaged? Because i really want people to know that iam. Iam proud to belong to someone. Iam proud that, in the end of the day, i have some one to go to. Iam proud that she was it. I dont mean anything by this, but, its kinda weird to have people looking at my fiance and said no wonder iam engaged. Because, yes she is a looker. and i dont people to judge her just because she is. I know they dont mean it, its just me and my hyperactive mind and emotion. She say that all the time.

Plastic,Fabric and Steel

Looking at skate videos really makes me want to die now. Because i dont have it anymore. i lost my skates. and it sucks as hell. I skate better then I walk. so go figure. Patient, is indeed a virtue.

anyways.....why is there so much people studying.....its really scaring the shits out of me.....STOP STUDYING!!!

Reflecting on the reflections....

The past..

Mum was rushed to hospital last week. Rushed meaning took an ambulance from Batu Pahat to KL. My affairs with the hospital i think have doubled since her kidney failed. She's a great mother. The best of the best. The cream of the crop, or the other way around i dont know.

The current...

I went home.......home where my soul belongs. Feeding on it's joy of pure love and honest friendship. The experience only those who got involved can feel. The fresh breath of sea breezes, the imperfect highways, the silent evening, filled with make believe grasslands. I only went back to the house 3 times. 1 to unpack, 2 to gather supply, 3 to pack. Nothing as great was waiting for me in my new room. I didnt even regret not catching the sunrise, all i needed to do is look in her eyes, where it shines like eternity and makes my soul shut its eyes and smile in happiness. The cravings answered with a full bang and extras on the sides. The question of a jealous lover answered and greeted with good news. Smiles and laughters filled the empty gaps on uncertainties...Oh God, only you can explain this much love towards someone else, and so I beg you to shelter our loves and if there must be tests, I beg you to let us still be together in the end..

The Future..

Gonna be singing originals at home grown studio on the 9th of August. and......................................................................IAM GETTING A NEW SKATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OS3!!!!!!!!!! yeah!!!!!!!!!! wuuuuhoooooo!!! but i dont know if dad gonna let me use the money, oh well. Already ordered it......

wat else?......i dont know......time is the best storyteller....

Confidently Shy...

Last nite was awesome!!!!!

honestly, last nite was actually my most fun show i ever did. i also discovered my local hero. Reza Salleh...awesome!!

i was wondering why i never heard of him before....huh...

anyways, alot of spontaneous acts and happenings on the stage, which was great.

i guess thats what u get when u choose to go last, the power to drag the show, to a positive a negative feedbacks, i guess thats up to u.

for the first time since a long time, i went out and stayed all nite with a friend what i enjoy the best, just chilling at random places. i use to do it with my best buddy all the time.

everyone was great last nite, wang and william basically got their love for the stage again, which was a great motivation for all of us. hopes for many2 shows to come with the WWs.

but yeah, eventhough its great to stay positive, but sadly, the turn outs of the crowd was abit disappointing. but the one that actually came was an awesome bunch. hey did i mention the food tasted like chicken from KFC? IT DID!! now that iam teribbly hungry i regretted not nibbling on a few more....since now...iam actually....nibbling on sand....yeah.......sad.....wheres my big brother when u need him? he's biochronoligically and literally big....

but the day after, a.k.a now, i dont know why i dont really feel quite in the mood. only the voice of fiance and her lil sister seems to shed some light in this dark 'room'. she's currently playing silent hill and kicking monster/zombies ass. she was so excited telling me how she kicked a monster dog with a human attached to its back with a shot gun.....cute. my fiance kicks ass.....zombie's ass.......

after awhile, my harmee and egg recipe with fish dahfa does get a little boring.....i really want to cook, but theres nothing in the fridge.....

uh oh, anyways, i loved last nite, it was my first time performing for charity, and gosh it felt great. hope we'll can, in the future supports more charities.....congrats to the organiser for such a great event!!

AWESOME!

*goin downstairs to go make harmee and egg with fish dahfas......

banez' s pic.....=(

Ibanez is sick.seriously sick......=(

So heres the story, i was at the auditorium for the rehearsal for the charity thing. So there was a dude, wanting to borrow banez, so i lent it to him. after the show he put it laying on a round stool, which later cause it to fall severely. the result?? quite severe....as u guys can see, a major chip/crack.......

honestly, i wasnt really pissed off from the bottom of my heart i forgave the dude, because my faith told me to, because my culture told me to and because my parents thought me how. though really iam not angry, somehow, it ruins a part of me. i dont kno why, everything just dont feel rite anymore....the emptiness...the sakit hati. i know how to think maturely and logically, though part of me reallllly wanted to be the old me again (mcm hulk) and murder everybody, i know its not going to reverse time. besides, in the end it's just a guitar. U can only have so much connection with an item. its not like its my family or fiance or her family.its just a guitar thats been feeding my soul. it can be replace...=) (dont worry ibanez will forever be with me still)

But anyways, the old me really felt like coming out just now. no u dont wanna know my past, iam not proud of it. But i guess i can now say iam in control of myself. probably not entirely but at least this part i can control.

anyways, to whom ever this may concern, dont worry about it, next time, just be careful. no iam not mad at u guys. u guys are my friend. "in my heart, i feel u are all my brothers" i meant it when i sang today. lets all try and tolerate, maybe this world could be a better place.....

a sad peace out....=)

http://inspintopsideacidtotruespinsunnysideup.blog.friendster.com/

heres my old blog

Moving Pictures that Moves...

I like movies,

I remember movie marathons as a daily routine. Back when I was in NZ. There was a period after i graduated and waiting for the time to get back to Malaysia. I had all the time in the world. So what else did i do? Movie Marathons.

2 Packs of marlboro, 2 big bottles of coke, a laptop and heaps of titles. Movies use to move me.

Have you ever watched a movie and felt that you are actually in the screen? doing, smelling, hearing whatever thats in it? feeling it? here i lists down titles which is going to be in my personal rack of DVDs.

1. A walk to remember.

Its not so much of the movie line really. It was a love story bla bla bla. It was more of the songs and casts. The songs, how they fit so well in the scene. They fit in really2 well. it moved me. Now all the songs in the movie are in my fav list. My fav song+scene is when Landon drove away and You by switchfoot plays....oh how perfect that was. and i think Mandy Moore is hot and a great actress. The part she said "i told you not to fall in love with me".............*trembles...

2.Gladiator

All the money spent on the war scene was worth every penny. and russel crowe is legendary, even if his Australian. I love the effects and all of it....i just love it.This is like the forefather of the movie 300. Which is also awesome in a way.

3.Crazy Beautiful

Kirsten Dunst is hot. I love how this movie have that very filters. It made all the scene very beautiful. It was just crazy and beautiful.My fiance and I both worship this movie for what its worth. I even owned the sound track CD.This movie gives me chills...

3.Amelie

The only and the best abstract movie i ever watched. Audrey Totou, a legend in my heart. "how many people are having an orgasm rite now"....who the fuck wrote the script?? GENIUS!!...It celebrate the weird habits that people have and throws in a great love story in it...the settings was beautiful and i love the retarded grocer!! "kalinyong kapsinyong kalinyong!" whatever shit that means in french. it was funny, unique and superbly done. eveyone must watch it once.

4.seven

Not only this is my fav number, it is also my favourite thriller movie. This movie made me think about how B.Pitt is not just an empty can on special edition Coke can. it was the greatest thriller ever made. cleverest too, under is is hannibal. but hannibal series was too much talk. morgan freeman was a great mentor to BP. and the criminal is so criminal like. "he made me wear it, then he made me fuck her!!" a victim referring to a strap on with a knife tip that later killed a prostitute to justify lust, one of the 7 sins. damn the ending was one of the best ever...

5. The pianist

OMG!!!! i just love history movies. and taken from a polish pianist angle in the Nazi time was a brilliant idea!!!...sdaos;ahsdjhkljfkajsdhkjashdksadk!!! WOW!!!! this movie actually made me fall in love with Frederic Chopin. not the character but thats what Adrien Brody was playing. Adrien Brodie is such a great motherfucker....i envy him. Though sum might say i look like him.....huhu. a few other great movie from A.Brody, Machinist and The Jacket

6.Schindler's List

Another war movie taken from a different angle besides a fighting soldier's. It was about oskar schindler a german business man and how he helped saved 1200 jews until he was killed for it. read more about him

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Oskar_Schindler

well, theres alot more, but iam tired and got sumtin else to do....so until next time folks....

No sir, I dont wanna be the blame.....

Well, well well, a blog huh? finally.

Had once but never really followed up since the ice age.

For the past weeks, i've not been sleeping every nights. Ass-ignments. Hah!

Lots and lots of it. Honestly saying, i don't really know whats going on academically in uni,

i was damn shocked that final exam is next month, cos didnt we just had our mid term? wasnt so 'mid' was it?.....

but i've got most of the assignments done, i think, and now still i cant sleep. No its not the fact that iam used to staying up all night. I really dont know what though...

For a great sense of reasons, being an English students, i think that i should write more often, open up and let my brains breath. Ive been writing songs again, inspirations drops like snow. slow. last time it was blizzards. i really dont know why, but it just does pours like rain sumtimes. and sumtimes its just as quite as a 'lonely road'.that was one of my song title back then. a great song that was.

Let me share one of the miracle that ever happened to me. When i was in NZ. everyday i had to walk to the train station, its about 10 minutes, and get on the train and then walk another 10 minutes to college. and on the way back, the same but backwards. so one winter evening, i decided to go home a bit late. cant remember why, but i did. so on my way back, walking, from the train station to my house, it was quite dark accept for the street lights. i looked up and i saw beautiful random arrangements of stars. heavy sigh.........but the street lights was blinding my sight. then i said to myself, the stars would look a hundred times better with the lights off. 3 steps after that, rite on the 3rd steps, for some reason the lights went off. i looked up again, and i was wrong It was a million times better. i smiled. that stopped me from thinking for awhile, and just be with the stars. my personal affair with the stars. (background music-jeff buckley-hallelujah)...the lights went up again, i knew the affair cudnt last forever. but it made my night.

Got a few shows coming up, the MJ tribute, the STOMP charity, the international students party and playing at homegrown@the curve. Getting all confused with the playlist, and having hard time memorizing lyrics.

Its 4 am and its raining, this is suppose to be beautiful, why dont i feel like it?

iam gonna call fiance, i miss her...