Because its so complicated the whirlpool that I'm in right now. Theres so many things that I lost. So many things that I miss. And alot of that things, i know i cant get it back. Or maybe i can....do you see my dilemma?
I miss fiance, but i know she will always wait for me. Even if its in heaven, she'll wait for me. But looking at the reality, i might go there before she does, and she can rest assured, i'll be waiting for her.
I miss what i had. That feeling that really bugged me but kept me at peace, that feeling that took me places and showed everything else in detail. Ironically, thats the feeling that i hated last time. and now, i'm missing it. Can it be just NZ? If i go there can it all happen again? But i wasnt in NZ when i was 17 nor 16. I was in a my room in the toilet just sitting.
And this damned subject. Studying in general. "Imagination is much greater than knowledge" Albert Einstein. I gave that up because i have to face reality.
Why do i sing anymore when what i sing i cant really mean it? Yeah sure its in the heart, but still i cant feel it anymore. My heart beats rhythmless, my ears are blind and my eyes are deaf. All the blame goes to reality. Everyday i wake up more and more like everyone else. I dont feel special. I feel iam coming up to a standard bar that everyone is on. Perching on it laughing at stupid jokes.
If iam like them why am i fighting it? But if iam one of them, why doesnt it seem normal to me? Iam not looking for answers from anyone. Iam not asking for advice. I just want to express it out. I know whatever one might say back, i know deep inside thats not it. Its something else. Something i dont even know to begin with. How can you tell me about something i dont even know what is it about? You cant. Its like explaining the colour blue to a blind. Its cool, its flowing its calming. Yeah, so how does blue looks like. The way i see it, we are all blind. Thats why none of us can explain it. Thats rite, including myself.
Stupid. Once, when i was a kid, i closed my eyes. I didnt focused on anything, i just let whatever i see, see. I saw a waterfall and a river and a toucan. Colourfull. Literally saw it with my eyes close and my brain fully awake. I never saw it again. Even if i tried hard.
Songs....they dont mean jack to me. I lost the ears that can see. maybe ipod would fix that. Just maybe.
I guess, this is my story. My evolution. From something to something not so foreign to the world's eyes. Something that iam not even sure what it was and what it is.
....so what am i then?
